To Speak Of Love
by MyMagentaPeach
Summary: Kurt finds the first love letter Blaine ever wrote to him, long before they even got together, and it is not what he expected, or what he hoped for.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee.

**A/N:** So I was hurting, am hurting, so this came about.

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><p><strong>To Speak Of Love<strong>

Blaine reenters the room to find Kurt, cowering against a wall, staring, tears streaming down his face, at a piece of paper in his hands.

Blaine quickly moves to Kurt's side, then freezes when he sees what it is exactly Kurt is holding in his hands.

"I, oh gosh, Kurt I am so sorry," Blaine tries to sound calm and gentle.

"Sorry you wrote it, or sorry I found it?"

"I, I had to write it. I keep it with me, because I don't want my parents to find it. I had to express somehow how I felt at the time. And I had no one to say it to, then, so I just…"

Then Kurt does something Blaine had not expected, he pulls him deep into his arms.

Wordlessly they stay leaning against the wall, hugging.

"You could have come to me," Kurt eventually whispers.

Blaine shakes his head, "It would not have been fair, to put that pressure on you."

"Blaine," Kurt almost shouts as he pulls back and locks their gazes, "I want you to tell me when you feel that way."

"We weren't dating yet back when…I didn't even know you loved me back."

"Promise you will talk to me, should you ever feel that way again, like there is nothing to make life bearable again."

"With your love, life is a wonderful thing. I wrote this months before we got together. I'm so sorry you had to learn about how lost and unwanted and alone I felt before us, like this."

"I know every single feeling you describe in here Blaine. I know. I have felt them too. I just wish you had come to me with that pain. Instead of…Imagine you had gone through with it and…"

Kurt is cut off by Blaine kissing him hard and with all the longing put into that kiss that he feels. Longing for life, a life with Kurt and love in it. He hopes Kurt understands.

"I didn't. I wouldn't. I just really had to lessen the pain by admitting it at least to myself, the pain and…and my love for you."

Kurt lets out a stuttering breath, resting his forehead against Blaine's, both boys' eyes fluttering closed.

The piece of paper that started all this slowly sinking from Kurt's hands - having clutched it tightly all this time - to the floor as Kurt's grip on it loosens and his and Blaine's hands come to rest between them intertwining tenderly and thoroughly.

_My dearest Kurt,_

_Fear is the only thing I can remember ever driving anything in my life. Ever since the attack there has seemed to be nothing else but the goal to avoid. Avoid pain most of all. Avoid being hurt, being touched like that, against my will, ever again. _

_So I went and took me away. Even out of my own reach. Now this very act is killing me. _

_Having run for so long I cannot find my way back to me anymore. _

_I don't even know if I would want that. Who would want to be a scared little clueless child again. I fear I might never know how to be anything more. _

_So I am choosing the unknown. Forgive me. Please forgive me. _

_I never meant to leave you alone, but I simply cannot take being without me anymore, without having anything to offer to you to love back. _

_I cannot hold me so much as upright most days. And you deserve someone better to hold you._

_You will find someone you will love so much and who will be brave and love you back in a way you deserve, not the weak way that is all I could give._

_Please do not hate me. _

_I will never say I did it for or because of anyone but me. _

_The world is too dark a place, and I am too small a light. _

_Forgive me._

_I will love you always,_

_Blaine _

"The first love letter you ever wrote me is a suicide note," Kurt whispers after a while.

"I will spend the rest of my life writing you happy love letters, I promise," Blaine replies softly.

"Deal," Kurt answers with a much less saddened smile.

Hands still intertwined and kneeling in front of each other on the floor, the sweet kiss they share is hopeful.


End file.
